I do this thing, where I have a baby and sort of go into hermit mode. I like to think I'm surrendering to the moment. That when it feels as if time is standing still, that I, too, stand in solidarity with that stillness. We are a team. Stillness and I. It's probably not the healthiest mindset, but let's be honest, as a new mother who would dare question our stubborn minds. I give everything I have, my body, my mind, my every being to this baby. I hardly ever leave and breast-feeding on demand makes leaving almost impossible. So I surrender. There is no other option. I recognize every mother and their experience is different, I'm not saying this is the right way. I'm just saying this was my way.
And then this really funny not funny, horrific, ironic, shocking and traumatic thing happened. I was due to give birth during the height of a global pandemic. I'll spare you full blown therapy session of what all that entailed, but I will say this, it only amplified my already natural postpartum hermit state tendency.
So I stopped shooting.
I lost myself. I surrendered and laid down. Like Winter to Summer, I withdrew and found a place of giving, of quiet solitude in a swirling buzz of chaotic child raising.
Let me stop right here and just say this; I am not ignorant to realize that some mothers do not have the option to stay home with their children or to be dependent on a partner, or maybe to even want to be dependent on a partner, and that is their choice anda hard choice however you flip the coin. There is no right or wrong way, there is your way and your reasons. I stand with all mothers and the hard decisions that they make.
So there I was, being only a stay at home mom with no end in sight. Each season would pass and past clients would ask and I would always say, maybe next year, maybe next season. I think I got to a point that I forgot who I was- who Emily was. I wasn't even picking up my camera. Mothers tend to do that. And we don't even really go back to the old 'her'. We just keep reinventing ourselves and adjusting to the circumstances.
So I picked my camera back up, and I anxiously started shooting again. It was like riding a bike. Totally remembered, but then all the negative thoughts started creeping in. "Have I aged out?" "Do I have the energy I used to?" "Am I good enough?" "Is my gear (and myself)...old?!" basically there were two questions about my age, because that's where I'm at. Creeping up on forty, those questions just slide in the mind like room temp butter on a warm biscuit. But, I told those thoughts where to go and how to get there, and moved forward. And you know what, I got some images that I really loved, and I caught that buzz again. I got to lose myself in creativity and imagination and it revived a part of me that I thought I had lost. Like a flower blooming in spring, there is no stopping me now. I'm ready, and the colors are even more vivid and the moments even sweeter.
I'm looking forward to starting back up. I hope you'll consider reaching out for a booking, or just to say hello. My goal is to find as much balance between work and home life, which means a more limited schedule, for now. So yeah, Hi friends! I'm back!
